A Traditionalist’s Guide to Thinking About (and Going About) Non-conventional Intimate Relationships, Part II

I. Personal experiences that have contributed to both pro- and anti- ideas

II. Different relationship formats, relationship components, and how format affects the maintenance of these components

III. Analysis of relationship formats and their principles, and thoughts about how to discuss and go about them while maximizing potential and minimizing harm


These are the formats: One-night stands, Marriage, Sex work, Dating, Open relationship, Multiple dates (w/ Group relationships, Group sex), Recurring casual sex, Friends with benefits, and Cheating.

A few caveats: These formats I discuss below reflect the relative ease or difficulty of achieving the format in its ideal (roughly in order of easier to more difficult). In its ideal, no format is better or worse than the other. This also leads to the definition of a “traditionalist” in the title – I am not a traditionalist in the sense that I believe traditional relationship formats like marriage are the best, but in the sense that I believe in using guidelines, whether pre-set or arranged cases by case, to ensure that people treat each other fairly and with consistency. From my experiences discussed in Part I, I have doubts about whether certain formats today can smoothly facilitate this. So, this post is to try and, as objectively as possible, break relationship expectations down to common components, and evaluate whether various formats can or cannot easily allow guidelines to be created and followed based on these components.

These components are not really rules; I don’t necessarily believe that there should be laws governing interpersonal life. I am also not considering the wider social ramifications of intimate relationships, because I’m not even sure there is a correlation between them. My focus is the individuals that are involved in conventional and unconventional intimate relationship and what contributes, or does not, to them treating one another with fairness, though I will go more social in the next post when I discuss the valence media attaches to them and the meaning they have for peer or family groups in the next post.

Components in intimate relationships:

1) Informed consent: the hard legal version, or a soft non-legal version that involves disclosing or failing to disclose information that would influence another’s decision to stay in the relationship.

2) Resources: both material, like money, or immaterial, like time, used to calculate components below.

3) Proportionality: an individual tends to expend resources for / ask resources of another individual (level of involvement), proportionate to the type of relationship or proportionate to how they feel about them. The feeling can be varied, such as affection, duty, sense of social status.

4) Reciprocity: of both feelings and expenditure of resources; all individuals involved tend to reciprocate one another’s feelings at roughly the same levels, and tend to contribute resources on equal levels with the others, even if these resources take different form for each.

4.5) Agreement – ie, reciprocity of opinion / information. Does the same intimate action or the same relationship label mean the same thing to all individuals involved? Does having a relationship take up equal importance for all individuals relative to the rest of their lives, and does everyone agree on what “important” entails? When this factor is at play regarding future prospects, the expression is “having expectations”.

I believe that these components are all involved for intimate relationships, whatever their format. When they all exist (or when they can be easily evaluated and deemed to exist), it would be a satisfactory relationship. When there is no informed consent or resources to spare at all, relationships tend not to happen; when proportionality and reciprocity are lacking, conflict arises. The complaint “I do X but you never do X” is a matter of reciprocity, or an issue in communication problems like, “You don’t need to yell about something like Y” is a matter of proportionality (is yelling proportional to the gravity of the issue?).

However, a satisfactory relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a happy relationship, or vice versa. The 3 relationships I listed in Part I brought me a lot of happiness in various ways but none of them were satisfactory, and so they attracted me enough for me to begin, but they tend not to last.

Formats

As mentioned, the formats and components I discuss below reflect the relative ease or difficulty of achieving the format in its ideal and no format is better or worse than the other in its ideal. I will go in the order of the most easy to achieve to the most difficult.

One-night stands

Hard informed consent is covered by laws regarding rape and sexual assault and there is a robust structure facilitating precautions taken against STIs. In casual sex, resources aren’t much of a consideration. As interaction is brief, there are also no major concerns over proportionality. The reciprocity and proportionality is based mainly if not solely on attraction; whether the criteria of attraction is present and reciprocated can be easily evaluated. Finally, most likely people who participate in sex with others they have just met understand that the meaning of intercourse is just the intercourse, and so there is unlikely to be any disagreement.

Marriage

By this I mean the conventional kind where 2 individuals establish an exclusive emotional, sexual, and life unit with informed consent. I am not dealing with marriage as a form of economic transaction or arranged marriages with non-consenting partners. Those would have criteria working in reciprocity and proportionality determined by local laws and customs that I am not qualified to assess.

Exclusiveness is to establish high reciprocity, ie it ensures that resources of each partner goes mainly to the other. There is usually a statement of great feeling to the other, and high involvement counting in all of emotional, sexual, and life events establishes a high level of proportionality to the feeling. The commitment of one’s whole life in marriage is a pre-established high reciprocity regarding the resource of time. The format of marriage demands a certain degree of reciprocity and proportionality in the first place, which is a basis for those involved to work out its details.

Some people, such as Partner #3 that I described in the previous post, believe that there is no use for the institution of marriage and that it should be abolished. I do agree that in certain (if not most) cultures, marriage can often be used to measure a person’s worth and to determine if they are “normal.” As a Chinese woman, I feel this acutely when some friends of my parents in China think that I am strange when I choose to do a PhD at 30 instead of finding a husband. Again, this gets into the territory of how intimate relationships impact social functioning, which I don’t think it does.

I believe there is no use for an institution of marriage whereby society judges the whole person based on their inclination/ability to form a highly proportional and reciprocal relationship. Maybe it made sense as a litmus test in a society where fealty to a lord or monarch ensures stability. However, I do believe that it is useful to keep marriage as a personal shorthand for those involved in it to register an agreement on their level of reciprocity and proportionality. People who know they want it and are good at it can use it as a kind of benchmark for themselves in terms of how they treat their partner. To me, marriage without institution should be like designing one’s own workout regimen with specific activities and goals to facilitate improvement. There is no publicly mandated workout regimen, but it would be a good idea to stick to the one you designed to achieve the goals you want to achieve.

Even so, I do find that marriage as an external institution to adopt might be useful to keep as well. I do think people are generally more motivated when there are others external to themselves to make them accountable when people get lazy or lose their way. So, marriage should be like your personal fitness trainer.

Sex work

There is a very clear structure for reciprocity in this as sex is exchanged for money. But if all sex workers perform the same sexual acts, why are some paid more than others?

I’m actually not being facetious. I think all prostitutes should be paid the same amount, probably quite a high amount. Previously I mentioned that marriage has clear guidelines for reciprocity and proportionality. The institution of marriage can be repressive, but as an institution outside the individuals involved in marriage, it is also easier to appeal to when proportionality and reciprocity are violated. Prostitution frequently violates reciprocity and proportionality since many cases of it occur in societies where some group (usually women) are trafficked or pressured due to the lack of resources in their daily lives. If marriage can provide external guidelines to ensure proportionality and reciprocity, then prostitution should have it too. Ie. Sex work should be legalized, with standards for the workers’ well-being, guard against exploitation and give high and equal compensation.

Dating (exclusive but short term, or as long term but not mutually involved as marriage)

This is what I had to come to terms with Partner #1 in the original post. In that case it was an issue of proportionality – we liked and admired each other very much, could empathize and open up about our deepest issues that we couldn’t with other people, and had a lot of common interests and common aspirations about our lives. It seemed, then, a chance at an lifelong partnership would be proportional to what we shared, but the environment did not allow this to happen. Had we been able to spend time together, it would have been more like a short-term marriage without the paperwork.

Dating can mean less involvement. When holding back involvement despite strong feeling to share one another’s lives, there is lower proportionality and this might be a unsatisfactory if dragged out. For example, two people who would like to buy their own home and have a child but cannot due to insufficient resources might find this frustrating.

Dating can lead to marriage with increasing involvement, or not. Previously I had believed that dating should lead to marriage, however now I realize that if there is less involvement but individuals dating can consistently maintain reciprocity selectively, then perpetual dating can be satisfactory. When people have different expectations of dating, there is a lack of reciprocity in information, for example one person believes that dating would lead to marriage, whereas the other does not. Then it becomes a problem.

Open relationships

I think people should think about aspects of relationships they value for exclusivity – sex, emotional bonding, life activities, or the expenditure of resources. I pointed out in the last post that with Partner #2, who is bisexual, I didn’t really mind him having sex with men at all. This was because sex isn’t as important to me as emotional bonding, and I do believe it is true that when men hook up, they tend to not be looking for emotional bonding or even need much time. His male partners spent a couple of hours with him and then left, and didn’t need his companionship in any form until the next time.

The biggest source of contention between older and younger generations can be that older generations are taught to increase sexual exclusivity proportional to an increase in love, but younger generations do not. I would say that sexually open relationships are fine as long as the terms are clearly negotiated so that they do not get in the way of reciprocity and proportionality in the main relationship.

Reciprocity would be most easily established if both partners had other partners outside the relationship. One of the reasons Partner #2 didn’t work out was because he dated 25 women and I dated only him. However, reciprocity can be established in other ways; for example, when one partner’s work takes up a lot of their time.

In open relationships, though, there is always the chance that what started off as a purely sexual encounter might become something else. I do believe that sex is categorically different from other interpersonal activities because it occurs when people are exposed, vulnerable, and triggers hormones that stimulate increased affection. Even when taking precautions such as not staying over, there is also no such thing as purely having sex with someone because other aspects of the person come through. This may threaten proportionality and reciprocity in the main relationship. Thus, I think open relationships are a bit problematic even after clear negotiations. This threat may be neutralized by the fact that there is reciprocity in the importance each partner attributes to their relationship, which can be demonstrated in other ways. For example, if neither cares for the relationship much, the risk of finding someone else might be high but neither care; if both cares a lot for the relationship, they would take proportional steps to minimizing the likelihood of finding someone else when sex is involved.

Dating multiple people separately

This has largely the same issues as open relationships to a greater magnitude, and requires even more negotiation of what constitutes reciprocity and proportionality for each person involved.

There is also the specific issue of compartmentalization or its failure. By “compartmentalizing,” I mean emotionally, mentally, and materially containing the effects of one event or interaction so they do not affect another event or another interaction (usually the concern is affecting another for the worse, which would usually tip proportionality or reciprocity). Solely sex outside a relationship can be compartmentalized more easily since biology are the only thing the individual needs to work against. When adding to sex with dating, so many other aspects of the person need to be contained. I mentioned that with Partner #2, for example, other women he dated would often discourage or upset him, and this frequently affected how he interacted with me.

Partner #2 was particularly bad at compartmentalizing, however I am not sure many people would be really good at it. Each aspect of our lives affect the others; a hard day at work would make most people a little short-tempered when they interact with other people afterwards. I think having stresses from work, duties to family members and friends, and then add multiple partners on top would almost certainly constitute a poor atmosphere in which to maintain proportionality and reciprocity for each partner, if it is as simple as spending enough time. Partners might choose to negotiate what needs to be compartmentalized, however this would take a lot of self-knowledge and discussion to cover everything that matters to them, which I am also not sure the majority of people are good at.

Polyamory or group relationships, however may be different if all individuals involved are all mutually involved with one another, and negotiate some sort of mutual support. I really haven’t seen an example of this around me, so I’m a little hazy as to what its strengths and pitfalls are.

Group sex can either have the same but more severe pitfalls as open relationships, or they might get resolved if they are so mutual as to constitute some kind of polyamory. Partner #2 frequently expressed his desire to have a threesome with me and another woman. I saw his problems with compartmentalizing already and refused. In addition, in an objective sense I saw that his desire for a threesome with 2 women was an expression of him wanting to master heterosexuality, which I thought was a problematic way of approaching sexuality (more on this in Part III). As I said, I had no problems with his male partners because I saw that they did not demand a lot of involvement, and Partner #2 was good at compartmentalizing them as just sex. This was a recurring male partner who I was even able to establish a rapport with.

Recurring casual sex with one partner

The reason that I put this quite far down the list is that the chance that a purely sexual encounter might become something else is increased when the sexual partner is a recurring one. If this happens, there is a high chance that a minimal reciprocity of information has been occurring, since casual sex is a relationship format that doesn’t emphasize exchanging information, and people tend not to choose casual sex partners based on similar expectations of relationships. And of course whether sex becomes something else it might not apply to both partners, which would make their relationship non-reciprocal. So, I think of casual sex as relatively difficult to maintain and have a high chance of being uneven when they are not maintained.

Partners may even interpret the act of recurring sex differently – A friend who has worked in France said that usually “the talk” about establishing exclusivity is not needed there, because most people agree that having sex repeatedly with one person means they are dating and the relationship has a high chance of being exclusive.

Friends with benefits

There seems to be different definitions to this term. Sometimes it means recurring casual sex with one person, which is above. In this separate section it means having recurring sex between two people who have been friends. To me this can be pretty problematic as it combines risks of recurring casual sex with one partner, to the same but greater issues with compartmentalizing in dating multiple people. By the latter I mean that to maintain both the friendship and the benefits, they need to be compartmentalized from one another to ensure reciprocity and proportionality in both areas.

This is also a format that I am the most hazy about, since I don’t quite understand the point of it even being its own format. If two people are friends and have a bond based on mutual understanding and share interests, and on top of that they are attracted to one another, why would that not be dating? Perhaps I just have very good friends with whom my emotional bond exceeds most other people’s bonds with their friends. Or perhaps when other people have distinguished it from dating, they define dating as exclusive, or as a commitment that eventually lead to marriage. There might also be specific considerations as to how to transition from friend to partner as opposed to from stranger to partner, and how to transition out.

Extra-marital affair (in a marriage not agreed upon to be open)

This is problematic, as the agreement about the meaning of marriage is not being reciprocated, faithfulness and most likely time and emotional resources not reciprocated. Most importantly, I find this to violate soft informed consent. The extra-marital individual and the cheating partner may both be consenting individuals, however the partner being cheated on is at a disadvantage because they most likely don’t know about it, and if they did know, would not consent to it. An objection might be that that consent only applies to the extra-marital individual and the cheating partner. However, I believe that people who get married tend to want to create one unit with their partner in some way, and believe themselves and their partner to be an exclusive unit with regards to the condition of the relationship. If the whole married unit does not give informed consent, informed consent cannot said to be given. To me this is like how a verdict cannot be passed by a jury unless all members of the jury agree on the verdict. If the partner being cheated on knows and consents, then regardless of the legal terms of the marriage, the marriage is by their subjective definition an open one and thus another matter.

There is an issue of whether cheating in a non-marital but exclusive relationship is better or the same. In terms of legality, I believe it is better, as no contract was violated, but in terms of morality, I believe it is the same.

Saying that cheating is problematic does not mean that I think all kinds of cheating are equally bad. Before I came to LA and met people with varied perspectives on dating and I was still upset about my parents’ divorce, I did think so. This was like how I was taught that all theft is bad regardless of what item was stolen. However, I have been forced to consider extenuating circumstances. For example, someone who has suffered sexual assault as a child might have been forced by their circumstances to take sex and sexuality lightly, and they might still want a life companion but have a hard time understanding why sex should be exclusive, when for them it was extremely indiscriminate. Another example might be a partner comforting a friend of theirs that they are emotionally close to, and in a state of high emotions and the lack of clear thinking, intimacy occurs without prior intent.

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